When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
