I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
