Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
