i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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