so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You made out with two different species that night
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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