i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
