Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
