You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
