then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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