I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
