THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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