Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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