im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Someone signed my nipple.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
