i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
