I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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