Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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