It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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