Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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