I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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