Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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