Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
