the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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