Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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