the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
