please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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