I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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