the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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