I will die if light touches me.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
