you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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