how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
