I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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