so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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