The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
