im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
