i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
