I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
