yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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