Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
