dude i'm inner monologue high
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
