Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
