How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
