I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
