I think my fart just growled at me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
