I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
