After last night, I could never be a politician.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
