From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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