My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
