Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
