If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
