Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Randomize
