She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
