Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
