I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
