I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
